My Oldest Sister...Han

Our Asian family is very stereotypical in many ways. Growing up, there was little emotion shown in our house, except when my stepfather got really mad. We didn't discuss much or in any depth. What you didn't know about your family exceeds what you did know about them. When I talk about my sisters, it is just the three of us, Chi, Judy Huong, and me...however, there was one more. One that rests behind in Vietnam, before Judy Huong, my middle sister, was born.

I remember learning about Han when I was in Junior High. For most of my life, it was just ba cong chua...the three princess. The details and circumstances around how I became aware of an additional family member are very vague. Like everything else in our lives, it was a matter of fact, not emotion, that she had existed. Only my oldest sister, Chi, ever met her. We never spoke of Han. It was the first time I really looked at my mom with a different perspective, than of just that of a somber mother. What did she look like? How had she made it through the loss of a child? What happened? One didn't question one's parents...on anything. They had "disciplined" my reflex to ask "why" out of me.

This week, I finally asked my mother about Han. She was born 1968 in Saigon; the same year my father was drafted into the Army. In my mom's recollection...she didn't look like any of us...she was the prettiest of us all. "Like an angel. The photographer used her picture in his display and adverting." How else can you view your first child. Makes us wonder, how we measured up as the ones who came after her. She was the first grandchild on both sides of the family, and thus pampered like the princess she was. She was bright and very intelligent, however reserved and quiet. Early in Han's life, my mother was working part time as a math teacher a couple hours a week. Fighting between the Viet Cong and the South Vietnamese was escalating and my mother, father, and Han moved to Ba Me Thuot when she was 2 years old. Their apartment was close to the Army base. My sister, Chi, was born in Ba Me Thuot. My mother's sister, Cam Tu, was living with them and helping out with watching Han and Chi, since my mother had to work full time now. Within 2 years, my family moved back to Saigon. At 4, she was attending the local French school and was reading. One morning in late January or February, Han had a very high fever and my mother took her to the hospital. She had tuberculosis leading to spinal meningitis. After a month, she did not return home and passed away. My parents relationship suffered greatly from the loss, but the forged on with my sister Chi.

I have infrequently thought about the implications of my sister Han and how it changed the dynamic of our family. In speaking with my mother at length about Hanh over the last week, I have a better perspective on the situation, however do not think I can fully digest it all now. My mother couldn't find the picture she referenced, but Chi and Huong both remember seeing it. Attached is one of Han (left) and my mother's young cousin, as well as a picture of us in Monterey when I was 2. She had my mom's cheeks. I wonder if she had my dad's high forehead like we all do.